My Dad passed away..

Want to talk about just about anything? Start a topic here.

Moderator: Maya

Atropos
virtues
virtues
Posts: 1414
Joined: Wed May 02, 2012 1:45 pm
Location: The Tardis
Contact:

My Dad passed away..

Post by Atropos »

I know I have been a fair weather friend on the forum. I apologize. My dad has been battling a giioblastoma since last year. His health started to fail badly in the last few months, despite the scans showing the tumor not growing.

The last month was the worst. He wasn't a great eater, due to the chemo, on the best of days, but he was eating less and less. One day he messed in the bed (he's never done that) and he couldn't get up and move so mom could clean it and him, he was so weak. They got him to hospital, a CAT scan showed no change in the majority of the tumor save one small spot that had grown only a tiny bit. They thought it might be the steroids causing the Alzheimer's type behavior and the weakness, since the tumor wasn't really changing. He couldn't articulate the way he wanted but he had pain on the lower half of his body, he just couldn't say where. So they did a MRI (like they did at the beginning and showed nothing anywhere else) and he had diverticulitis (a pocket of infection in the intestines) and some spots that could be polyps or cancer. Since he was so weak, they didn't want to do a colonoscopy or biopsy until they got the diverticulitis under control and him strong enough to go home.

They put him on antibiotics and sent him to a rehab home that was they type for people only able to do physical therapy short bursts, then they would put him in the rehab where they did his phys therapy after his knee surgery (where folks could stand longer sessions) then he could go home and get in home therapy. Alas, he stopped eating. He just didn't want food. He was ready to quit the fight. Mom and I told him it was okay to go, he didn't have to keep on.

So Mom discussed it with me, and she was going to have him sent back home, and hospice was going to be called in. They would give her a hospital bed, all the equipment she needed, and would come in and bathe him, give him pain meds, and help mom. Sunday night, well early morning of the twelfth, before she was due to have him brought home, the center called her at 3am and told her it wouldn't be long. They were right. Mom went to him, sat with him, talked to him. She called in hospice to come to him there, and he passed away at seven forty-five that morning.

My heart is broken of course, for me and my mom, his friends, our family. But I am also relieved. He is no longer suffering. He never had any pain from his cancer (headaches or such) but he couldn't do what he loved. He couldn't carve or decorated gourds. He got so he could hardly speak. He had reverted to being a toddler, who knows what they want, but can't articulate it (smart enough to know, but not able to say it). All he could do was sleep, and sit and watch T.V.. He couldn't even read (his other passion was books). He hated T.V., and so he often just stared out the window. Life, had become a misery. And it was a misery for my mom, and me to see him that way.

So, it's very mixed feelings.Mom and I have humor (which some may find inappropriate, but that's us). I have my moments of tears followed by laughter or just being okay. We went through his clothes, some. His medicine cabinet (Dad was a bit of a horder) and his jewelry box. Friends have come and check in. Mom and I are making lists of all the friends, family, and official types we need to call and let know. We've arranged his cremation and are having a pendant made for each of us that will have his finger print on it so we can wear it.

I don't know what else I can say. Except to come back here and maybe tell you all about him, after some time has passed. IF that's okay with everyone.

Thank you all for your support while he was fighting. I hope you all don't mind the update.
User avatar
Boudicca
moderator
moderator
Posts: 1840
Joined: Tue Jul 10, 2012 5:29 pm
Location: Minneapolis

Re: My Dad passed away..

Post by Boudicca »

So sorry for your loss, honey!!
And I totally understand the inappropriate humor. Been there done that. I was pissed off for getting charged for the fucking body bag. (Sorry if that's too much, but you probably get it, I hope. But seriously???)
My thoughts are with you! And just remember he's at peace now.
:hrt:: :hrt:: :hrt:: :hrt:: :hrt::
'Tis an ill wind that blows no minds
User avatar
Minh Scent
principalities
principalities
Posts: 597
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2014 1:35 am
Location: Hanoi, Vietnam

Re: My Dad passed away..

Post by Minh Scent »

Ah, sweetie, I am so so sorry to hear this. It has been such a journey for you from your father's getting sick to passing. It is so hard to watch our once strong beloveds become ill and die, and it is something we all must deal with. We will lose everything and everyone we love...which is why humor is a gift to use with abandon! I am glad you have that and glad you and your mom have each other.

Make sure you take good care of yourself and know the love is always there, our parents are always with us.

I am so sorry for your loss and pain and I am sending you cyber hugs.
User avatar
marisaviola
archangel
archangel
Posts: 273
Joined: Thu Jul 10, 2014 10:20 am
Location: North Carolina, United States

Re: My Dad passed away..

Post by marisaviola »

Dear Atropos,
I am so sorry to hear this news. My deepest sympathy to you and your family, and I appreciate your sharing with us here what happened. You and your family will be much in my thoughts. I have lost both parents at a relatively young age (in my 30's and 40's) as they were older than the norm, so I went through the elderly parent phase a bit younger than many people I met who had parents in hospital or in assisted living or hospice. I still miss them both, but the good memories and a sense of their presence are stronger now that some time has passed. I remember more funny things, and my dreams of them are no longer stuck in the last days when they were older or suffering; now in my dreams we are all together as a family, and younger and happier. Sending you much love and I echo Minh to take care of yourself. And I think the humor is a great thing.
User avatar
Maya
Site Admin
Site Admin
Posts: 2456
Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2012 8:04 pm
Contact:

Re: My Dad passed away..

Post by Maya »

I am so sorry to read this. Losing someone we love is always bittersweet when we know they are no longer in pain.

Big gentle hugs to you.
If you can't be a success, be a spectacular failure!
Atropos
virtues
virtues
Posts: 1414
Joined: Wed May 02, 2012 1:45 pm
Location: The Tardis
Contact:

Re: My Dad passed away..

Post by Atropos »

Boudicca wrote:So sorry for your loss, honey!!
And I totally understand the inappropriate humor. Been there done that. I was pissed off for getting charged for the fucking body bag. (Sorry if that's too much, but you probably get it, I hope. But seriously???)
My thoughts are with you! And just remember he's at peace now.
:hrt:: :hrt:: :hrt:: :hrt:: :hrt::
OMG they charged you for the body bag? Geeze! I would have been pissed too! I feel you on that. Thanks for the love. Yeah it's sad for us, but he's not suffering (he had no pain) but he couldn't do anything he loved. He could hardly talk, and he couldn't write. His brain betrayed him. He was bored and unhappy. So it's a blessing coupled with sorrow of course. Thank you so much. :hrt:: :hrt:: :hrt:: Back at ya!
Atropos
virtues
virtues
Posts: 1414
Joined: Wed May 02, 2012 1:45 pm
Location: The Tardis
Contact:

Re: My Dad passed away..

Post by Atropos »

Minh Scent wrote:Ah, sweetie, I am so so sorry to hear this. It has been such a journey for you from your father's getting sick to passing. It is so hard to watch our once strong beloveds become ill and die, and it is something we all must deal with. We will lose everything and everyone we love...which is why humor is a gift to use with abandon! I am glad you have that and glad you and your mom have each other.

Make sure you take good care of yourself and know the love is always there, our parents are always with us.

I am so sorry for your loss and pain and I am sending you cyber hugs.
Yeah, it's a part of life and something I've thought about through the years, you're never really prepared though, when it does happen. But at least I wasn't pretending it wouldn't ever. I think that's harder when the inevitable finally happens (like my aunt-in-law). And I have to use the humor.

I will take care, and I can't thank you enough for your kindness. I want to thank you all personally. :hrt:: :hrt:: :hrt::
Atropos
virtues
virtues
Posts: 1414
Joined: Wed May 02, 2012 1:45 pm
Location: The Tardis
Contact:

Re: My Dad passed away..

Post by Atropos »

marisaviola wrote:Dear Atropos,
I am so sorry to hear this news. My deepest sympathy to you and your family, and I appreciate your sharing with us here what happened. You and your family will be much in my thoughts. I have lost both parents at a relatively young age (in my 30's and 40's) as they were older than the norm, so I went through the elderly parent phase a bit younger than many people I met who had parents in hospital or in assisted living or hospice. I still miss them both, but the good memories and a sense of their presence are stronger now that some time has passed. I remember more funny things, and my dreams of them are no longer stuck in the last days when they were older or suffering; now in my dreams we are all together as a family, and younger and happier. Sending you much love and I echo Minh to take care of yourself. And I think the humor is a great thing.
I appreciate that you shared your story! I'm sorry you lost them so young. It sounds like you all had a lot of good times and it's good to know that when some time has passed, I'll remember those and dream of those instead. That helps a lot. I thank you for the love too, back at you :hrt:: :hrt:: :hrt:: :hrt:: . I do love this community, even if I"m not posting every day. I should but I get side tracked. But I carry you all in my heart of course.
Atropos
virtues
virtues
Posts: 1414
Joined: Wed May 02, 2012 1:45 pm
Location: The Tardis
Contact:

Re: My Dad passed away..

Post by Atropos »

Maya wrote:I am so sorry to read this. Losing someone we love is always bittersweet when we know they are no longer in pain.

Big gentle hugs to you.
Thank you Maya, you are such bright cheerful presence on this forum. I was so happy when you were made a moderator. Sunflowers suit you. Big hugs b back to you too! And thank you for all your support to the community here. You rock! :hrt:: :hrt:: :hrt:: :hrt::
Atropos
virtues
virtues
Posts: 1414
Joined: Wed May 02, 2012 1:45 pm
Location: The Tardis
Contact:

Re: My Dad passed away..

Post by Atropos »

I didn't realize what an info dump I did on you all. I just re-read it all. Thanks for even glancing at it, if you even got through it, it was long.

We went to his workshop and found so many unfinished projects. Some of them Mom & I may be able to finish. He was making me a tiny gourd with a carved pumpkin face on it ( I had asked him to make me one when I saw someone else wearing one at the last gourd show he was in). I intend to finish painting it. Seeing it was another crack in my heart of course. So were all his unfinished wood carving and gourd projects.

The hardest though, was finding his notes to himself. He was trying to practice his signature and he kept trying to write vocabulary words. Each time they got worse and worse. Spelling, handwriting became illegible. He was slipping further and further away, and he could see it coming. What really broke my heart were the nasty notes calling himself nasty names and berating himself as if it was his fault he couldn't write or do things. And I mean nasty, horrible sentences like he was verbally abusing himself (my father was a verbally and physically abused child, and all his life would be the hardest on himself if he made a mistake, this was no exception I guess). That was the hardest. He never saw how wonderful, smart, and gifted he was, except when he was teaching others who shared his passions. Then he was as patient with himself as he was with his students, then he was confident.

So in apologizing for my spewing out a lot to you all, I just did it more. :rofl:

I love this community and I can't thank you all enough, and Fabienne enough. I'm so glad she started this. I appreciate you so much.
Post Reply